Month: March 2021

Moving further along on the lines of relationships, we now explore one of the most potent of them all – parent-child. The relationship between a parent and child forms the foundation for the child’s character and nature and the parent’s behaviour, too

Social media nowadays is full of memes about homeschooling and working from home. People are putting funny posts about how they are dealing with this dual challenge of managing both these responsibilities. The lockdown of 2020 and the subsequent restriction on public movement has turned our social lives upside down. These times have provided us with a unique opportunity of observing the changes in parent-child dynamics. Be it my millennial friends who can be termed as ‘helicopter moms’ or my mother who never fails to give me a raised eyebrow when I use phrases like ‘parenting’ or ‘adulting’ (“Since when is being a parent a verb!”), the parent-child relationship has undergone a sea change between the generations.

One of the most sacred and important relationships for a child is with its mother and father. After all the source or existence of a child is its parents. Let’s look at some of the interesting facts about this relationship, which lies at the root of our existence and empower our future.

Maternal love and fatherly affection

They say a mother’s love is unconditional. However, I believe that it is unconditional only when the child receives it unconditionally. The forces at work between mother and child are exceptional, as the child might forget its designated place and try to fill in other roles in the mother’s life. It is not the child’s responsibility to interfere with the mother’s other relationships. The child should accept what is given. It should be noted that there is a
difference between being a favourite (mamma’s boy or girl) and trying to ‘mother’ her. In some situations, the child might take over the role of the mother and assume her responsibilities of looking after the whole family.

This pushes the child to maturity at a much younger age, and can have a long lasting effect on the decisions taken later in life regarding career, dating and marriage.

For a daughter, her father is her first love. The father is also a role model for the son. As the daughter grows up and looks for love, she often compares her boyfriend or husband (for better or for worse) with her father. If she keeps on this doing such comparisons, it might lead to discord in her love/marital life.

Points to ponder over

Looking at these dynamics, several questions crop up. What makes the child to not effect a separation from the parents at the right age? Why is the metaphorical umbilical cord not cut? Instead of love and blessings, why are there entanglements in our relationship with our parents?

At the parents’ end, having a healthy separation from the child is equally important. As your children grow up, it is vital for you as a parent to allow them to take their own decisions and not lay undue claim on their love and attention. Being possessive or indulging in emotional drama will push away your children further. If your upbringing has been proper, your children will give you the love and respect you deserve. If you are unable to grapple
with this, you have to work on yourself and tackle your individual traumas first. Both the parent and child need to understand each other’s right place in their respective lives and respect that designation instead of forcibly trying to make your presence felt.

A parent invests lot of time, energy and money in giving birth to their children and raising them. It is quite impossible for the children to repay the parents in the same denominator. They will be carrying the legacy forward when they undergo a similar process with their own children. However, they can be in a state of gratitude toward their parents in a bid to balance off their sacrifices.

It is equally important for the parents to understand that the time, energy and money that they have put in for their children will not be returned in the same denominator. They should accept the gratitude and love that their children show. They should accept their children for what they are and give them freedom to make informed choices and fulfil their dreams. Your children are human beings with immense potential and they should have the freedom to create their own identities.

Love between a parent and a child should flow unhindered rather than trickling down through a maze of entanglements. This love should stand for strength and work as a blessing; it should be unconditionally given and unconditionally taken without any judgements. A parent-child relationship is a beautiful life-long journey and it should be seen as one, and not taken on as a task or duty.

Love in couples is as difficult as it is beautiful. Self-transformation is the only way to keep your love as a sustaining source of inspiration in your relationship.

When you think of love, the one relationship that springs to your mind is that of a couple. It is easier to understand love in the context of parent-child or siblings but in case of individuals who are complete strangers, love is almost inexplicable. Two people coming with different backgrounds, cultures, families and emotional baggage are attracted toward each other and trigger a chemical reaction within each other. In this blog post, I am attempting to understand the love relationship between couples.

Love without boundaries

In my six years of experience as a Family Constellation facilitator and Inner Child healer, I have realised that till an individual doesn’t work on himself/herself, there are going to be issues in their love life. Irrespective of how great, adorable and ideal the individual, a relationship, especially one involving love, is a team effort, and both the parties involved have to be in a constant state of evolution.

In love relationships, we often witness manipulation by couples. This is either to keep each other happy or to keep oneself above blame or to avoid conflict. There is also another interesting phenomenon called ‘being judgmental’ that leads couples to be manipulative. I have encountered many girls and women who change the way they dress, lose weight or change their behaviour to impress their partners. And this is true not only about heterosexual relationships but also in the LGBTQ community. This need to change something about yourself to please your partner stems from a sense of insecurity. Well, love might be unconditional but relationship is a big give and take.

However, this give and take needs to be fair and not manipulative. A lady confides in her sister that she forgot to buy something important from the grocery shop. When the sister asks what she will do now, the lady says she will tell her husband the shop was closed. Instead of owning up her mistake, she decides to lie about it. On the energy dynamic level,
this manipulation will be counted, and one day these small silly lies, manipulations and stubbornness will result in an outburst.

Marriage of true minds

When a couple decides to get married, it is important for them to have a healthy separation with their parents. Quite often the husband compares his wife with his mother and points out that she doesn’t do things like his mother. The wife, on the other hand, compares her husband with her father and expects her husband to treat her like a princess. In either case, it doesn’t work.

It is extremely important for parents to allow their children to move away from them (not necessarily physical or emotional distance) to have their space to start their own individual life. When a couple accepts each other’s entire baggage and continues to love each other with commitment and loyalty, only then the relationship works.

There would be happy and not-so-happy days but each day can contribute to your growth. Share your thoughts and feelings honestly and give each other space. Don’t change yourself for your loved one but work on transformation of self and for your individual growth.