Grappling with the death of a loved one, dealing with the grief and loneliness that ensues – we all have to brave it at some point in our lives. Here I am sharing my journey with you, hoping it would help you in your time of need.
Death is a subject that many of us—possibly all—are afraid of. Recently, my favourite person in the whole world, and a best friend to many, left her mortal coil and moved on to a higher realm. My mum. And I had to deal with it.
She and I shared a fascinating mother-daughter relationship, and she used to tell me she was especially lucky to have me (and very few people know this).
So, what did her physical departure from my life teach me? Is it about retaining your strength? Is it causing you to become more engaged at work? Is it related to crying? Is it the lack of crying? Does it involve talking on the phone with others?
Move on with your life is the most ridiculous advice that I have received so far. Well, many people told me to do this. How does one really move on? I don’t know how, and I don’t think there is anyone who can teach you this. So, instead of ‘moving on,’ I decided to practise acceptance. I came to terms with the notion that I will not be able to see, embrace, kiss or hear her.
What followed was a phase of self-doubt. What to do with myself and my time, since I am an only child and have lived with my mother literally all of my life.
I also had to accept the departure of several people from my life who were solely there because of my mother – because she was their support system, she stood rock solid for them, she had their back. Although these people will look up to me to fill in her shoes and give them support, I won’t be able to do that. I am not my mother and I very humbly accept the fact that I might not hear from them ever again.
Tears and emotions will continue to interrupt my routine as much as her ideas and teachings will continue to guide me. The void she has left will remain and I have no intention of filling it up with inane hobbies or idle talks with wellwishers. Instead I wish to flow in and out of this void with the courage she has instilled in me, and each time come out of it with acceptance and peace. When the entanglement dissolves, this void will become my source of love, strength and knowledge.
As a Family Constellation facilitator, I clearly see our roles – hers and mine – in the larger scheme of life. My mother always said that her daughter was destined for greatness. Her belief in me has been the greatest accomplishment of my life.
The best shraddhanjali I can give her is to live my life in her honour. After all, I am my mother’s daughter, and in death as in life, I shall always honour her.